Friday, 26 July 2013

Dating Guys You Think Are Gay Since 1998

He's always well-dressed, coiffed, and slim, with an interest in fashion and female pop stars.  You may brush him off as being gay, but ladies, this is my bread and butter.  Let me share with you some of the secrets of dating a metrosexual (or ambiguously gay) male.

My first boyfriend is married with babies, and yet the rumors persist.  Yes, we used to rock out to Alanis and Garbage, he wears shoes without socks, and he loves to take his top off and rub his chest on the dance floor, but he is clearly interested in vaginas.  Maybe you've been burned by a guy who turned out to be gay, but fear not!  There may still be a questionable yet viable male metro in your future who is making you shine every day of the week.

Monday Night:  He's not making you pasta with sauce from a can.  He's found a recipe in the Life section of the newspaper for Tandoori-style chicken that he's been dying to try out.   He's not cutting huge chunks of red onions for the salad you're making; he's slicing it nice and thin because that's the right amount of heat for your greens.  Say goodbye to meat and potatoes and say hello to good taste in wine, food, and dining destinations.  Since he's a slim guy, he'll also totally honor or join in on cutting down on certain foods, living clean, and exercising.

Tuesday: He's up on the mic at karaoke, singing something that will totally make you laugh.  While the other guys are playing it safe in their seats, he's comfortable enough with himself to get on stage.

Wednesday:  It's hump night, but before you hit the sheets, you're both down for some quality time with the tube.  He's hashtagging about the new Bachelor, commenting on the flooring of the homes of Love It Or List It, and griping about the cray-cray on America's Next Top Model.  If you're sipping martinis while this is all going down...OMG.  How is this not your best girlfriend with a dick?  Watching reality TV with my friend's now-husband is one of the reasons that I loved him!

Thursday:  You all know the situation where a girl is being bitchy but guys have no idea because it's veiled in sweetness, false praise, etc.  When you leave happy hour, he can't wait to rag on the bitch who's been attempting to cut you down and compliment you on being so cool about it.  Either that, or he's encouraging you to stand up for yourself more.  Her boyfriend?   Clueless.

Friday:  You're all ready to go out for the night, but something isn't quite right.  All you need is to weigh in with your date, who can totally tell if you're over-accessorized, not dressed appropriately for the occasion, or aren't showing off your best assets.  He's not your gay bestie; he's going to make you feel great without hurting your feelings or making you feel fat.  WINNING!

Saturday:  You're out at a bar and every girl there is...totally ignoring him.  Why?  Because they think he's gay.  He's also totally cool, conducting intelligent conversation with women without leading them on or being rude.  Then you can go back to his place (which is totally spotless) and listen to Lady Gaga while you fuck the night away.   Not because he's sucking up, but because he LIKES he Gaga.  He's also applying his attention to detail and conscientiousness to making sure that you're always pleased...and pleased...and pleased.

Sunday:   Hey, it's 20 years down the road, and guess what?  He's still making plans for delicious meals, wearing flattering garb, looking fabulous and paying attention to your needs.  He loves great food, he's got an interest in his appearance, and he's hard-wired to listen to you.  Oh, and you're not the only one that cleans the bathroom.

I am so gay for the guy who seems gay.  I don't feel the hot, desperate breath of the girl in line to date him behind me and he's so thoughtful about his praise, interest and occasional criticism.  See you at the 15 year reunion when your meatstick boyfriend is draining the life from you; or maybe you already know the story.  I wouldn't share my secrets if I didn't feel obliged to share the wealth.  Share yours with comments on other great attributes of the would-be gay guy!

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