Friday, 26 July 2013

Big Boobs VS Small Boobs

You are fascinated with boobs, right?  We have natural instincts to take note of mamillary glands but in the modern world, they go way beyond vessels for providing infantile sustenance.  Just like women, they're available in every shape and size, and just like women, breasts are notoriously insecure.  

Bulbous or petite, women are almost never happy with what nature gave them.  Just like the curly-haired girl wishes she had straight hair and the tall girl wishes she were shorter, it seems like what we have is never what we want.  As a woman with straight hair will spend an hour going curly and a short girl is devoted to her platform heels, women are struggling to make the best of their chests.
So which is, actually, empirically better?  AAAs or FFs?    Is there a perfect size?  And what do men actually like best?

DRESS:  Small breasts simply have more options.  Cowl necks, plunges, backless numbers; women with small breasts can not only choose from a bevy of options, but are perfectly free to go braless!  If you're over a C, you need an ample strap, negating your ability to wear even a simple camisole.  Cowl necks are overzealous, possibly making you look less than classy, and NASA needs to build a bra if you want to go strapless or take the plunge in front or back.  Although a small-breasted woman may find it difficult to fill some cups, they're few and far-between.  

It's also hard to find clothing in the correct size when your chest is big and you are small.  Finally, when you're above a D, you're stuck shopping at expensive boutiques to find bras that actually fit.  There's no walking into La Senza and grabbing 3 new bras for $20.  Verdict?  SMALL.

UNEVENNESS:  No breasts are perfectly symmetrical.  The discrepancy is so much less obvious with a smaller set.  Verdict?  SMALL.

MEN:  It's no myth that North American men like tiny women.  Modern men were raised on porn and sadly, it's the porn body that is considered attractive.  Straight, North American men would simply love it if every woman was 120 lbs. and had huge boobs.  In a pinch, they're willing to go for big boobs and a larger figure or tiny and a flat chest.  Since being thin is so in right now, I'm going to have to go ahead and admit defeat: SMALL.

SEX:  When they're big, they're flopping around everywhere, hitting people in the face, and generally being your overly-gregarious female cousins.  Although they're not the most comfortable when you're on top, they are generally regarded as being pretty awesome to look at.  I also have it on authority from one couple that they are feeling very left out of the sexual mix because her breasts are too small to wrap around his penis.  Seriously, "tit fucking" is awesome and is a wonderful alternative to blowjobs and handjobs.  You can pretty much just lie there pushing your breasts together, seeming interested and the guy thinks this is the best amusement park ride ever.  Result?  LARGE.

ATTENTION:  Everyone is looking at them.  Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City with the perky nipple inserts?  Men go crazy for a good, hard nipple, no matter the size of the breast.  However, short of inserts or a chilly environment, it's the big ones that really get noticed.  Under a t-shirt and well strapped in, large breasts simply can't be ignored.  There is still a certain stigma about large breasts in the business world, but modern people aren't so much writing off women just for having good jugs anymore (yay!).  One friend who had breast reduction surgery found it hard to deal with the sudden drop in attention, which had always boosted her esteem.  Who's getting all the attention?  LARGE.

ATHLETICS:  Again, you're looking at an investment when it comes to buying bras for athletics when you've got a large chest.  Even with the best available model, you'll still be attracting stares as your jumblies get all, well, jumbly.  Running, jumping, and even doing a downward dog, your attempts to get fit are always more tantalizing that you'd like them to be.  Runner's choice?  SMALL.

When I started writing this for you, I thought for sure that it would be a draw!  I can only surmise that the millions of women upgrading their size are very interested in men and attention, because it looks like the small, champagne glass-filling breast is taking the cup.

Dating Guys You Think Are Gay Since 1998

He's always well-dressed, coiffed, and slim, with an interest in fashion and female pop stars.  You may brush him off as being gay, but ladies, this is my bread and butter.  Let me share with you some of the secrets of dating a metrosexual (or ambiguously gay) male.

My first boyfriend is married with babies, and yet the rumors persist.  Yes, we used to rock out to Alanis and Garbage, he wears shoes without socks, and he loves to take his top off and rub his chest on the dance floor, but he is clearly interested in vaginas.  Maybe you've been burned by a guy who turned out to be gay, but fear not!  There may still be a questionable yet viable male metro in your future who is making you shine every day of the week.

Monday Night:  He's not making you pasta with sauce from a can.  He's found a recipe in the Life section of the newspaper for Tandoori-style chicken that he's been dying to try out.   He's not cutting huge chunks of red onions for the salad you're making; he's slicing it nice and thin because that's the right amount of heat for your greens.  Say goodbye to meat and potatoes and say hello to good taste in wine, food, and dining destinations.  Since he's a slim guy, he'll also totally honor or join in on cutting down on certain foods, living clean, and exercising.

Tuesday: He's up on the mic at karaoke, singing something that will totally make you laugh.  While the other guys are playing it safe in their seats, he's comfortable enough with himself to get on stage.

Wednesday:  It's hump night, but before you hit the sheets, you're both down for some quality time with the tube.  He's hashtagging about the new Bachelor, commenting on the flooring of the homes of Love It Or List It, and griping about the cray-cray on America's Next Top Model.  If you're sipping martinis while this is all going down...OMG.  How is this not your best girlfriend with a dick?  Watching reality TV with my friend's now-husband is one of the reasons that I loved him!

Thursday:  You all know the situation where a girl is being bitchy but guys have no idea because it's veiled in sweetness, false praise, etc.  When you leave happy hour, he can't wait to rag on the bitch who's been attempting to cut you down and compliment you on being so cool about it.  Either that, or he's encouraging you to stand up for yourself more.  Her boyfriend?   Clueless.

Friday:  You're all ready to go out for the night, but something isn't quite right.  All you need is to weigh in with your date, who can totally tell if you're over-accessorized, not dressed appropriately for the occasion, or aren't showing off your best assets.  He's not your gay bestie; he's going to make you feel great without hurting your feelings or making you feel fat.  WINNING!

Saturday:  You're out at a bar and every girl there is...totally ignoring him.  Why?  Because they think he's gay.  He's also totally cool, conducting intelligent conversation with women without leading them on or being rude.  Then you can go back to his place (which is totally spotless) and listen to Lady Gaga while you fuck the night away.   Not because he's sucking up, but because he LIKES he Gaga.  He's also applying his attention to detail and conscientiousness to making sure that you're always pleased...and pleased...and pleased.

Sunday:   Hey, it's 20 years down the road, and guess what?  He's still making plans for delicious meals, wearing flattering garb, looking fabulous and paying attention to your needs.  He loves great food, he's got an interest in his appearance, and he's hard-wired to listen to you.  Oh, and you're not the only one that cleans the bathroom.

I am so gay for the guy who seems gay.  I don't feel the hot, desperate breath of the girl in line to date him behind me and he's so thoughtful about his praise, interest and occasional criticism.  See you at the 15 year reunion when your meatstick boyfriend is draining the life from you; or maybe you already know the story.  I wouldn't share my secrets if I didn't feel obliged to share the wealth.  Share yours with comments on other great attributes of the would-be gay guy!