Friday, 12 October 2012

The Condom

"Come on baby, don't you love me?" was the scoffingly puerile example I was given in Phys Ed of what guys would say to get me to have sex with them or let him go bareback.  Being somewhat of a late bloomer, I thought, who would fall for a lame line like that?  I know better than to get pressured into doing something that I know could have great repercussions.

Fast forward to my more experienced twenties, when I had firsthand experience of how hormones, alcohol, and blindness due to extreme hotness could cause huge errors in judgment.  I now totally understand what it is to be naked and ready to go and have to aver a firm "no" when my body is screaming "yes!"  

A friend who is new to the dating scene recently asked if I'd had a guy offer to leave the condom on the nightstand before, to which I said, "of course!"  Although chances are good that he's kind of a skeeze, I've also found some other possible explanations for why a man thinks that it's okay to ask.  If he's recently out of a long, long-term relationship, he may have forgotten that it's not safe to just go for it.  This same man may also just be so desperate for some action after years with the same woman, or could be inexperienced having only been with one person or a couple of serious partners.  I've met one exceptional man who truly could not perform with one on.  I did the smart thing and kept trying with a condom for a few weeks, and since he was still coming around in a few weeks, I finally gave in and accepted his promise of being recently tested.  There's also a slim chance that he's a virgin or someone else who never, ever has one night stands or sleeps with someone on the first date.

As I mentioned in my 3 Quick Questions post, a handful of drinks and some heavy flirting are a dismal replacement for actually knowing someone.  If none of the above reasons are causal, you may find it insulting that a guy would dare to ask you, a classy lady, to ditch the latex.  It's not personal; your huge insult could be his...Friday.  If he wants to do it without a condom, he's done it before with another woman who consented to not use a condom because, hey, it was probably Friday for her, too.  If you're willing to accept that he gets around, then we can move onto how to make it happen safely. 

Usually, the "no glove no love" stance results in condoms mysteriously appearing where before there were none.  Show me a single guy who doesn't carry a condom out to the bar and I'll show you my new perm.  I've also seldom encountered (perhaps never) a guy who wasn't willing to run to the store. 

Unfortunately, even when a prophylactic is finally proffered, a guy can easily waste the first condom due to performance anxiety or whiskey dick.  My advice is that if you want to avoid the total, utter, devastation and disappointment of falling asleep totally unsatisfied next to a guy you're never going to see again (or even after a fight with your boyfriend), you should do one or all of the following:

  • Stock condoms in multiple sizes; I've had to turn a guy down because his dick was too big for the condom.  You can't imagine how tragic.
  • Carry your own condoms...two!
  • Ask about condoms before you head back to someone's apartment...seems obvious, but now that I've said it, you won't forget.  If you're worried about showing your poker hand, the gig is already up if you're "having nightcap at his place, listening to vinyl at his place, smoking a joint at his place," etc.

If you say no to intercourse without a condom and he takes the fact that you continue to fool around as a sign that you've changed your mind, you're welcome to give him a good slap.  "Slipping it in there" after you say no is perhaps even date rape, so feel free to humiliate him (or your preferred mode of revenge) as you see fit.

Go out and play, duckies!  I want you safe, happy and healthy, and I want to hear all about it :)