Monday, 23 July 2012

The Silent Release

This title is designed to titillate you before revealing the true nature of this entry.  The Silent Release is one of the many gas-releasing strategies performed in order to maintain one's aura of dignity while socializing and especially dating.  One friend describes an ex-girlfriend who would cough to cover up the sound of her farts with a cough, while he chose to exercise a degree of control with the Silent Release.  My personal favourite is the Drink of Water, where you find an excuse to leave the room so that you can release that pent-up gas.  Finally, there's the practiced Face of Disgust that you can execute in a crowd, providing a deflection of responsibility for the gas cloud enveloping your locale.

Whether you begin your courtship executing The Drink of Water, The Silent Release, The Cough & Fart, the Face of Disgust, or just plain holding it in, there comes a time in the relationship when that bomb must be dropped.  This stink bomb is really a truth bomb, and the word is out; you're a human being that sweats, pees, poops, burps and farts. 

I've recently learned that agreeing to official girlfriend status means that my boyfriend can now release toxic, mind-boggling farts in my presence.  Even in confined quarters, agreeing to be a couple means that I am saddled with his bodily functions and he mine.  Early on, he'd mentioned that he understood me to be human and potentially gross.  "I have sisters," he explained, which did not stop me from leaving the room to drop bombs.  In contrast, I've been on a date with a man that I'd known for years who chastised me for covering my mouth, burping, and excusing myself.  Although we were at a pub drinking multiple beers, he couldn't believe that I wouldn't hide my disgusting beer burps from him, maintaining the illusion that I was made purely of sugar, spice, and everything nice rather than guts, onion rings, and beer.

Barring outside factors such as medical conditions, the comfort level of baring all and bearing all rests in finding a common ground.  Based on conversations with my friends, we have most long-term couples weighing in that conversations don't stop because someone has to pee; however, doing a #2 with the door open is completely off limits.  If you're worried about the scent-retentive quality of sheets, you will be mortified to know that farting while asleep, happens.  If you don't think you do, it's because you're asleep, so don't lose future sleep over an accidental slip.

Overall, we're looking at a window of three months to two years before bodily functions become a fact rather than a theory.  Just like most aspects of self-acceptance, this number appears to decrease with age, with the noted exception of one over-thirty man who seemed very uncomfortable with the whole topic.  Both over-thirty men that I asked were pretty adamant that their partner not engage in any kind of expulsions, lending credence to the theory that younger men are becoming more accepting of their partners'  "gross" aspects. 

Space also plays a big part in how freewheeling you are about lettin' 'er rip.  One couple described how trysting in a bachelor apartment during the early days of their romance sped up the comfort process, while another friend was avoiding moving in with her boyfriend expressly because her apartment was so close to his that she never had to use his bathroom.  I advised her that lighting a match and encouraging your mate to avoid the washroom for a few minutes is certainly above board, and certainly preferred to an unhappy surprise.  I didn't want to scare her, but my research shows that within a month, she'll be peeing while he is in the shower and vice versa; nature waits for no cohabitant.

As mentioned earlier, having siblings often loosens the stigma attached to bodily functions.  Dutch ovens, tickle fights designed to provoke urination, and mealtime taunts aimed at causing a sibling to snort out their beverage are all normal bonding behaviours.  I regret that I did not interview any same-sex couples and cannot answer whether they engage in forming the urine-joining "Y" shape whilst peeing outdoors, but my guess is that no, they do not.  Wish you didn't know that was "a thing"?  Yeah, me, too.

Apologies also go out to the queef, the quaff, or the quiff, the vaginal fart that happens when air is trapped in the vagina and escapes, for not mentioning her sooner.  Fortunately, it's all good news; everyone does it, men know what it is, and it doesn't bother them.  In fact, you'll be pleased to know that some women q---f on a very regular basis, making your sporadic slips perhaps a little more bearable.  As for farts, my sources confirm that those often happen during orgasm, and even "just mean [I'm] having a good time."  Bravo to a male friend who has had a woman fart in his face twice during oral and proudly went back for more.  That relaxing, out-of-body moment at climax is exactly the time that one tends to lose control.

If you're dating a traditional man or woman, pull a Miranda and hit the lobby when you're on vacation; they're not going to change their mind about being totally grossed out by your doings.  Two bathrooms would be preferable if you ever move in together (but, like, don't if you're not of the same traditional mind).  Landed a modern honey who's already let one fly in front of you?  Laugh off your next queef or fart in the sack and get back to enjoying yourself.  Excuse your burps at the pub (I'm making a stand!  Take me somewhere nice and I promise to behave) , close the door when you go the washroom, and avail yourself of matches and air freshener.  Resign yourself to the fact that there will be times when you must flee the scene of their grievous infringements of your preference for non-toxic air and thank your lucky butt that you, my friend, are basking in the too-warm glow of acceptance.  Now if only they can get past your ex calling, your clothes that never make the laundry basket, your overbearing mother, your inability to manage your finances, your erratic work step at a time.


  1. I've got a pretty simple, considerate M.O., basically if it's going to stick leave the room and if you can go on the balcony. I don't want to smell a girl's stinky fart, and I definitely don't expect someone to tolerate mine. Mine reek and linger.

  2. It's the warm glow of acceptance, Philistine, but I'm sure it's much appreciated. If it's really bad, the most serious consideration is that I may die laughing.