A male
friend called today to solicit advice, flattering me by calling me
"someone who knows something about everything."* If I know one thing, it's that flattery
always works on me. A second would be
that I love to apply my vast dating experience to new scenarios, preferably
related to sex, sex and more sex.
The problem
with his current GOM (Girl of the Moment or Guy of the Moment, Augustspeak for
someone you're dating but you haven't defined your relationship with) is not
the sex. After a sexual drought, this
woman was breathing new life into a beleaguered and deflated ego. However, her personality simply wasn't
inspiring him, and she'd become smitten quite quickly.
The facts
are that they met online, started hooking up almost immediately, and had a date
to see a show tomorrow. If I were dating
this charming, well-mannered man, I'd be planning my outfit and looking forward
to being taken out by a man who knows how to show a girl a good time. Instead, he's concocting an excuse to drop by
her place tonight and give her the ol' "I'm just not that into
you."
Fellas, do
not let a woman get excited for a date, all dressed up, eschew other plans, or
even possibly commute to meet you when you know that you're about to break it
off. In the scenario where you cannot
negotiate a way to break the news in person, do it over the phone. It's not ideal, but I've done it and the man
appreciated that I was considerate enough to save him a thirty minute drive to
see me.
I'm all about honesty, so I firmly believe that you need to be as clear as possible when telling someone that it's over. He may say that her personality is bland to me, but to her, he'll say "I find you really attractive and you have a great personality. I'm just not experiencing the kind of connection I need in order to take this further." Being honest and concise about your reasoning may seem like the more difficult option, but it avoids confusion about whether the other person still has a chance with you and doesn't leave them guessing about what they may have done wrong. Ditch any excuses about the place you are in your life, work, how soon it is after your last breakup, and anything else that doesn't require balls.
There you
have it. When you meet online and hook
up right away, this kind of breakup is perfectly acceptable behaviour.
You are not expected to be friends; you weren't before and hopefully
don't have any existing social connections, anyways. The only exception would be if you're
desperate for a squash partner and really gel as people; broadly, I mean if you
really share common interests and have a lot to talk about without flirting,
drinking, or fucking. The friendship
should also be worth possible future awkwardness as you both move onto other
people (or don't, which is categorically the worst). Want to know all about internet dating,
creating the perfect group dynamic, ordering the perfect amount of oysters,
dealing with your friends' dietary restrictions, and how to survive and thrive
in the big city? I'll try to enlighten
you with my very private and very public musings, advice, and confessions on
August Say Whaaat!?!
Whatt!! Great advice!
ReplyDelete* My friend has read this post and asserts that he said "everything about everything," not "something about everything." I guess what I posted just seemed more realistic.
ReplyDeleteLove it! I've had a girl phone me after a few dates to break it off and was pretty happy about it to be honest. It obviously hurt my feelings a little, but it was better than feeling like I was some sort of nuisance that she'd be laughing about with her friends. It also helped that I had to hang up the phone cause I had a date lined up with a girl I'd been crushing on for months:D
ReplyDeleteNow that I've read this, I feel guilty about my most recent GOM and need to make a phone call...
Excellent use of GOM, Philistine! Gawd, no one wants to feel like a joke. Also, totally jealous of your having the next girl lined up ;)
ReplyDeleteOh god, that was so sweet to have that date. I got the phone call just outside of Hartman's and five mins later my date was walking by to our arranged meeting destination so I had to hang up on the one who cut me to get with the other girl.
ReplyDelete