Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Breakups 101 for Online Dating

A male friend called today to solicit advice, flattering me by calling me "someone who knows something about everything."*  If I know one thing, it's that flattery always works on me.  A second would be that I love to apply my vast dating experience to new scenarios, preferably related to sex, sex and more sex.

The problem with his current GOM (Girl of the Moment or Guy of the Moment, Augustspeak for someone you're dating but you haven't defined your relationship with) is not the sex.  After a sexual drought, this woman was breathing new life into a beleaguered and deflated ego.  However, her personality simply wasn't inspiring him, and she'd become smitten quite quickly.

The facts are that they met online, started hooking up almost immediately, and had a date to see a show tomorrow.  If I were dating this charming, well-mannered man, I'd be planning my outfit and looking forward to being taken out by a man who knows how to show a girl a good time.  Instead, he's concocting an excuse to drop by her place tonight and give her the ol' "I'm just not that into you."  

Fellas, do not let a woman get excited for a date, all dressed up, eschew other plans, or even possibly commute to meet you when you know that you're about to break it off.  In the scenario where you cannot negotiate a way to break the news in person, do it over the phone.  It's not ideal, but I've done it and the man appreciated that I was considerate enough to save him a thirty minute drive to see me.

I'm all about honesty, so I firmly believe that you need to be as clear as possible when telling someone that it's over.  He may say that her personality is bland to me, but to her, he'll say "I find you really attractive and you have a great personality.  I'm just not experiencing the kind of connection I need in order to take this further."  Being honest and concise about your reasoning may seem like the more difficult option, but it avoids confusion about whether the other person still has a chance with you and doesn't leave them guessing about what they may have done wrong.  Ditch any excuses about the place you are in your life, work, how soon it is after your last breakup, and anything else that doesn't require balls.

There you have it.  When you meet online and hook up right away, this kind of breakup is perfectly acceptable behaviour.  You are not expected to be friends; you weren't before and hopefully don't have any existing social connections, anyways.  The only exception would be if you're desperate for a squash partner and really gel as people; broadly, I mean if you really share common interests and have a lot to talk about without flirting, drinking, or fucking.  The friendship should also be worth possible future awkwardness as you both move onto other people (or don't, which is categorically the worst).  Want to know all about internet dating, creating the perfect group dynamic, ordering the perfect amount of oysters, dealing with your friends' dietary restrictions, and how to survive and thrive in the big city?  I'll try to enlighten you with my very private and very public musings, advice, and confessions on August Say Whaaat!?!


  1. * My friend has read this post and asserts that he said "everything about everything," not "something about everything." I guess what I posted just seemed more realistic.

  2. Love it! I've had a girl phone me after a few dates to break it off and was pretty happy about it to be honest. It obviously hurt my feelings a little, but it was better than feeling like I was some sort of nuisance that she'd be laughing about with her friends. It also helped that I had to hang up the phone cause I had a date lined up with a girl I'd been crushing on for months:D
    Now that I've read this, I feel guilty about my most recent GOM and need to make a phone call...

  3. Excellent use of GOM, Philistine! Gawd, no one wants to feel like a joke. Also, totally jealous of your having the next girl lined up ;)

  4. Oh god, that was so sweet to have that date. I got the phone call just outside of Hartman's and five mins later my date was walking by to our arranged meeting destination so I had to hang up on the one who cut me to get with the other girl.