Big Boobs VS Small Boobs

Male or female, straight or gay, you are fascinated with boobs!  Obviously, we have natural instincts to take note of mamillary glands, but in the modern world, they go way beyond vessels for providing infantile sustenance.  Just like women, they're available in every shape and size, and just like women, breasts are notoriously insecure.  

Bulbous or petite, women are almost never happy with what nature gave them.  Just like the curly-haired girl wishes she had straight hair, and the tall girl wishes she were shorter, it seems like what we have is never what we want.  As a woman with straight hair will spend an hour going curly and a short girl is devoted to her platform heels, women are struggling to make the best of their chests.

So which is, actually, empirically better?  AAAs or FFs?    Is there a perfect size?  And what do men actually like best?

DRESS:  Small breasts simply have more options.  Cowl necks, plunges, backless numbers; women with small breasts can not only choose from a bevy of options, but are perfectly free to go braless!  If you're over a C, you need an ample strap, negating your ability to wear even a simple camisole.  Cowl necks are overzealous, possibly making you look less than classy, and NASA needs to build a bra if you want to go strapless or take the plunge in front or back.  Although a small-breasted woman may find it difficult to fill some cups, they're few and far-between.

It's also hard to find clothing in the correct size when your chest is big and you are small.  Finally, when you're above a D, you're stuck shopping at expensive boutiques to find bras that actually fit.  There's no walking into La Senza and grabbing 3 new bras for $20.  Verdict?  SMALL.

MEN:  It's no myth that men like tiny women.  Modern men were raised on porn, and sadly, it's the porn body that is considered attractive.  Men would simply love it if every woman was 120 lbs. and had huge boobs, but it's unlikely to happen.  In a pinch, they're willing to go for big boobs and a larger figure or tiny and a flat chest.  Since being thin is so in right now, I'm going to have to go ahead and admit defeat: SMALL.

SEX:  When they're big, they're flopping around everywhere, hitting people in the face, and generally being your over-gregarious female cousins.  Although they're not the most comfortable when you're on top, they are generally regarded as being pretty awesome to look at.  I also have it on authority from one couple that they are feeling very left out of the sexual mix because her breasts are too small to wrap around his penis.  Seriously, "tit fucking" is awesome and is a wonderful alternative to blowjobs and handjobs.  You can pretty much just lie there pushing your breasts together and seeming interested and the guy thinks this is the best amusement park ride ever.  Result?  LARGE.

ATTENTION:  Everyone is looking at them.  Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City with the perky nipple inserts?  Men go crazy for a good, hard nipple, no matter the size of the breast.  However, short of inserts or a chilly environment, it's the big ones that really get noticed.  Under a t-shirt and well strapped in, large breasts simply can't be ignored.  There is still a certain stigma about large breasts in the business world, but modern people aren't so much writing off women just for having good jugs anymore (yay!).  One friend who had breast reduction surgery found it hard to deal with the sudden drop in attention, which had always boosted her esteem.  Who's getting all the attention?  LARGE.

ATHLETICS:  Again, you're looking at an investment when it comes to buying bras for athletics when you've got a large chest.  Even with the best available model, you'll still be attracting stares as your jumblies get all, well, jumbly.  Running, jumping, and even doing a downward dog, your attempts to get fit are always more tantalizing that you'd like them to be.  Runner's choice?  SMALL.

When I started writing this for you, I thought for sure that it would be a draw!  I can only surmise that the millions of women upgrading their size are very interested in men and attention, because it looks like the small, champagne glass-filling breast is taking the cup.

Dating Guys You Think Are Gay Since 1998

He's always well-dressed, coiffed, and slim, with an interest in fashion and female pop stars.  You may brush him off as being gay, but ladies, this is my bread and butter.  Let me share with you some of the secrets of dating a metrosexual (or ambiguously gay) male.

My first boyfriend is married with babies, and yet the rumors persist.  Yes, we used to rock out to Alanis and Garbage, he wears shoes without socks, and he loves to take his top off and rub his chest on the dance floor, but he is clearly interested in vaginas.  Maybe you've been burned by a guy who turned out to be gay, but fear not!  There may still be a questionable yet viable male metro in your future who is making you shine every day of the week.

Monday Night:  He's not making you pasta with sauce from a can.  He's found a recipe in the Life section of the newspaper for Tandoori-style chicken that he's been dying to try out.   He's not cutting huge chunks of red onions for the salad you're making; he's slicing it nice and thin because that's the right amount of heat for your greens.  Say goodbye to meat and potatoes and say hello to good taste in wine, food, and dining destinations.  Since he's a slim guy, he'll also totally honor or join in on cutting down on certain foods, living clean, and exercising.

Tuesday: He's up on the mic at karaoke, singing something that will totally make you laugh.  While the other guys are playing it safe in their seats, he's comfortable enough with himself to get on stage.

Wednesday:  It's hump night, but before you hit the sheets, you're both down for some quality time with the tube.  He's hashtagging about the new Bachelor, commenting on the flooring of the homes of Love It Or List It, and griping about the cray-cray on America's Next Top Model.  If you're sipping martinis while this is all going down...OMG.  How is this not your best girlfriend with a dick?  Watching reality TV with my friend's now-husband is one of the reasons that I loved him!

Thursday:  You all know the situation where a girl is being bitchy but guys have no idea because it's veiled in sweetness, false praise, etc.  When you leave happy hour, he can't wait to rag on the bitch who's been attempting to cut you down and compliment you on being so cool about it.  Either that, or he's encouraging you to stand up for yourself more.  Her boyfriend?   Clueless.

Friday:  You're all ready to go out for the night, but something isn't quite right.  All you need is to weigh in with your date, who can totally tell if you're over-accessorized, not dressed appropriately for the occasion, or aren't showing off your best assets.  He's not your gay bestie; he's going to make you feel great without hurting your feelings or making you feel fat.  WINNING!

Saturday:  You're out at a bar and every girl there is...totally ignoring him.  Why?  Because they think he's gay.  He's also totally cool, conducting intelligent conversation with women without leading them on or being rude.  Then you can go back to his place (which is totally spotless) and listen to Lady Gaga while you fuck the night away.   Not because he's sucking up, but because he LIKES he Gaga.  He's also applying his attention to detail and conscientiousness to making sure that you're always pleased...and pleased...and pleased.

Sunday:   Hey, it's 20 years down the road, and guess what?  He's still making plans for delicious meals, wearing flattering garb, looking fabulous and paying attention to your needs.  He loves great food, he's got an interest in his appearance, and he's hard-wired to listen to you.  Oh, and you're not the only one that cleans the bathroom.

I am so gay for the guy who seems gay.  I don't feel the hot, desperate breath of the girl in line to date him behind me and he's so thoughtful about his praise, interest and occasional criticism.  See you at the 15 year reunion when your meatstick boyfriend is draining the life from you; or maybe you already know the story.  I wouldn't share my secrets if I didn't feel obliged to share the wealth.  Share yours with comments on other great attributes of the would-be gay guy!

Play Ball

I'm all for equality between the sexes, but when it comes to dating in the straight world, gender roles often come into play.  I've played it equal, I've played the dominant role, and I've even embraced the traditional female role.  For many women, however, it's hard to reconcile their hard won autonomy and respect with having a man "take them out on a date" rather than simply "going out on a date." 

Having been on a number of internet dates, the "equal" date is the one I've been on the most often. In that case, someplace rather neutral is suggested by either party, at a time that works for both, to meet without committing to more than a beverage.  Anyone who's committed to an entire night, or even a meal, with someone they met online has probably regretted it.  This date is ideal for the ability to slam down a ten and hit the road or stay and get tipsy .

 Well, this is clearly a Moxie's or something, but you get the point.  Never go to a chain restaurant on a date.

Another top reason to practice the equal date is that you have disparate incomes or you're both poor.  Some ladies may also prefer this option because they don't want to feel like they owe their date anything.  Obviously, this isn't a real issue, because no amount of money spent on you buys you or your body.  That said, it's common knowledge that any overnight trip that a man is paying for comes with an unspoken agreement that you will share a bed.  If you don't want to hook up but want to enjoy a getaway together, make it clear in advance to avoid any miscommunications.  If you want to accept his invitation to do something together but can't afford it, just say so; he'll relish the chance to play the hero but can still easily say "another time, then."

 Yeah, avoid this moment. 

I prefer the dominant date to the equal date because I can orchestrate a date that's entirely geared towards getting in bed with someone I'm really connecting with.  Ideally, whatever I plan will show off what I'm good at and increase my confidence.  By the time we hit the sheets, I know that the dude I'm with is totally into being with a strong, independent woman.  Getting the home advantage can be problematic, though, when a man isn't confident outside his home territory.  I had one date say he was uncomfortable at the Standard because it was "fancy"; clearly he couldn't cut it for a minute with me anyways.  I took my friend's little sister's friend to the Ottawa Food & Wine Show one year, but despite the initial attraction, the event made him uncomfortable.  He kept tugging at his collar in jest, but bottom line is that this cougar would've been better served stalking her prey somewhere that he felt comfortable.  I thought that inviting him to wear a t-shirt and jeans and seeking out sweeter whites that he would like would be enough to show him that I was totally cool with who he was, but no second date was forthcoming.  When well executed, the female-dominated date is a great way to show off and get what you want.

I do believe that there is such thing as the faux-equal date, and I'm pretty sure it's symptomatic of living downtown and having more expensive tastes.  Although the first couple of dates involve paying for your respective beers, covers, or meals, you might quickly find that things change the moment a guy is in your apartment.  Before you know it, you're the one scrambling to clean your apartment so that you can share a bottle of wine before a show, watch a movie, or simply hook up.  If he doesn't live downtown or has roommates when you don't, it becomes so easy for him to pop in and you might find yourself so grateful when he brings over a six pack.  Sure, you could save some bucks on a cheap bottle of wine and skip making appetizers, but then you would be hungry and drinking swill!  This definitely doesn't work in a scenario of "serious" dating, but I'm pretty sure that any girl who's dated a guy in a band has had some of the same experiences (I've certainly seen this played out at many a lovely lady's well kept pad).  It's also seriously verging on doormat behaviour, but as long as you're getting exactly what you want in exchange, you have my permission to proceed with caution.  Your friends will let you know if you're getting pathetic.

 Tried to find a pic of KFed with no luck.

Finally, we have the traditional date.  He announces the time he'll pick you up, tells you where you're going, and makes any necessary reservations.  Even if it's a casual thing that's free, like skating or hiking, whoever is driving is in charge.  If no one's driving and he doesn't pick you up at your place, it's equal.  As an empowered woman who's used to calling the shots or working things out together, you will probably find that the traditional date is the most difficult and stressful date to prepare for.  If you're unfamiliar with the venue, you'll need to find an outfit that you're comfortable wearing in a pinch, and possibly prepare to deal with an unofficial review board of industry friends like best friend bartenders, sister servers, or cousin cooks. 

What rocks about the traditional date is that although the courtship process is rooted in wooing a woman in order to marry her and receive her dowry, it doesn't leave any ambiguity about your desirability.  Offering to squire you about town shows that a man wants to impress you and show you off.  Ideally, he's doing so in order to get your attention and learn more about you rather than to cater to his own ego, but you'll only find out by accepting the date.   Try and relax because, in a rare modern moment, you're being pursued by a gentleman caller.  Game on.

MENSA member Davis

Not a member of the Rockford Peaches, but a strong female role model nonetheless; Peaches.

The Condom

"Come on baby, don't you love me?" was the scoffingly puerile example I was given in Phys Ed of what guys would say to get me to have sex with them or let him go bareback.  Being somewhat of a late bloomer, I thought, who would fall for a lame line like that?  I know better than to get pressured into doing something that I know could have great repercussions.

Fast forward to my more experienced twenties, when I had firsthand experience of how hormones, alcohol, and blindness due to extreme hotness could cause huge errors in judgment.  I now totally understand what it is to be naked and ready to go and have to aver a firm "no" when my body is screaming "yes!"  

A friend who is new to the dating scene recently asked if I'd had a guy offer to leave the condom on the nightstand before, to which I said, "of course!"  Although chances are good that he's kind of a skeeze, I've also found some other possible explanations for why a man thinks that it's okay to ask.  If he's recently out of a long, long-term relationship, he may have forgotten that it's not safe to just go for it.  This same man may also just be so desperate for some action after years with the same woman, or could be inexperienced having only been with one person or a couple of serious partners.  I've met one exceptional man who truly could not perform with one on.  I did the smart thing and kept trying with a condom for a few weeks, and since he was still coming around in a few weeks, I finally gave in and accepted his promise of being recently tested.  There's also a slim chance that he's a virgin or someone else who never, ever has one night stands or sleeps with someone on the first date.

As I mentioned in my 3 Quick Questions post, a handful of drinks and some heavy flirting are a dismal replacement for actually knowing someone.  If none of the above reasons are causal, you may find it insulting that a guy would dare to ask you, a classy lady, to ditch the latex.  It's not personal; your huge insult could be his...Friday.  If he wants to do it without a condom, he's done it before with another woman who consented to not use a condom because, hey, it was probably Friday for her, too.  If you're willing to accept that he gets around, then we can move onto how to make it happen safely. 

Usually, the "no glove no love" stance results in condoms mysteriously appearing where before there were none.  Show me a single guy who doesn't carry a condom out to the bar and I'll show you my new perm.  I've also seldom encountered (perhaps never) a guy who wasn't willing to run to the store. 

Unfortunately, even when a prophylactic is finally proffered, a guy can easily waste the first condom due to performance anxiety or whiskey dick.  My advice is that if you want to avoid the total, utter, devastation and disappointment of falling asleep totally unsatisfied next to a guy you're never going to see again (or even after a fight with your boyfriend), you should do one or all of the following:

• Stock condoms in multiple sizes; I've had to turn a guy down because his dick was too big for the condom.  You can't imagine how tragic.
• Carry your own condoms...two!
• Ask about condoms before you head back to someone's apartment...seems obvious, but now that I've said it, you won't forget.  If you're worried about showing your poker hand, the gig is already up if you're "having nightcap at his place, listening to vinyl at his place, smoking a joint at his place," etc.

If you say no to intercourse without a condom and he takes the fact that you continue to fool around as a sign that you've changed your mind, you're welcome to give him a good slap.  "Slipping it in there" after you say no is perhaps even date rape, so feel free to humiliate him (or your preferred mode of revenge) as you see fit.

Go out and play, duckies!  I want you safe, happy and healthy, and I want to hear all about it :)