Friday, 26 July 2013

Big Boobs VS Small Boobs

You are fascinated with boobs, right?  We have natural instincts to take note of mamillary glands but in the modern world, they go way beyond vessels for providing infantile sustenance.  Just like women, they're available in every shape and size, and just like women, breasts are notoriously insecure.  

Bulbous or petite, women are almost never happy with what nature gave them.  Just like the curly-haired girl wishes she had straight hair and the tall girl wishes she were shorter, it seems like what we have is never what we want.  As a woman with straight hair will spend an hour going curly and a short girl is devoted to her platform heels, women are struggling to make the best of their chests.
So which is, actually, empirically better?  AAAs or FFs?    Is there a perfect size?  And what do men actually like best?

DRESS:  Small breasts simply have more options.  Cowl necks, plunges, backless numbers; women with small breasts can not only choose from a bevy of options, but are perfectly free to go braless!  If you're over a C, you need an ample strap, negating your ability to wear even a simple camisole.  Cowl necks are overzealous, possibly making you look less than classy, and NASA needs to build a bra if you want to go strapless or take the plunge in front or back.  Although a small-breasted woman may find it difficult to fill some cups, they're few and far-between.  

It's also hard to find clothing in the correct size when your chest is big and you are small.  Finally, when you're above a D, you're stuck shopping at expensive boutiques to find bras that actually fit.  There's no walking into La Senza and grabbing 3 new bras for $20.  Verdict?  SMALL.

UNEVENNESS:  No breasts are perfectly symmetrical.  The discrepancy is so much less obvious with a smaller set.  Verdict?  SMALL.

MEN:  It's no myth that North American men like tiny women.  Modern men were raised on porn and sadly, it's the porn body that is considered attractive.  Straight, North American men would simply love it if every woman was 120 lbs. and had huge boobs.  In a pinch, they're willing to go for big boobs and a larger figure or tiny and a flat chest.  Since being thin is so in right now, I'm going to have to go ahead and admit defeat: SMALL.

SEX:  When they're big, they're flopping around everywhere, hitting people in the face, and generally being your overly-gregarious female cousins.  Although they're not the most comfortable when you're on top, they are generally regarded as being pretty awesome to look at.  I also have it on authority from one couple that they are feeling very left out of the sexual mix because her breasts are too small to wrap around his penis.  Seriously, "tit fucking" is awesome and is a wonderful alternative to blowjobs and handjobs.  You can pretty much just lie there pushing your breasts together, seeming interested and the guy thinks this is the best amusement park ride ever.  Result?  LARGE.

ATTENTION:  Everyone is looking at them.  Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City with the perky nipple inserts?  Men go crazy for a good, hard nipple, no matter the size of the breast.  However, short of inserts or a chilly environment, it's the big ones that really get noticed.  Under a t-shirt and well strapped in, large breasts simply can't be ignored.  There is still a certain stigma about large breasts in the business world, but modern people aren't so much writing off women just for having good jugs anymore (yay!).  One friend who had breast reduction surgery found it hard to deal with the sudden drop in attention, which had always boosted her esteem.  Who's getting all the attention?  LARGE.

ATHLETICS:  Again, you're looking at an investment when it comes to buying bras for athletics when you've got a large chest.  Even with the best available model, you'll still be attracting stares as your jumblies get all, well, jumbly.  Running, jumping, and even doing a downward dog, your attempts to get fit are always more tantalizing that you'd like them to be.  Runner's choice?  SMALL.

When I started writing this for you, I thought for sure that it would be a draw!  I can only surmise that the millions of women upgrading their size are very interested in men and attention, because it looks like the small, champagne glass-filling breast is taking the cup.

Dating Guys You Think Are Gay Since 1998



He's always well-dressed, coiffed, and slim, with an interest in fashion and female pop stars.  You may brush him off as being gay, but ladies, this is my bread and butter.  Let me share with you some of the secrets of dating a metrosexual (or ambiguously gay) male.

My first boyfriend is married with babies, and yet the rumors persist.  Yes, we used to rock out to Alanis and Garbage, he wears shoes without socks, and he loves to take his top off and rub his chest on the dance floor, but he is clearly interested in vaginas.  Maybe you've been burned by a guy who turned out to be gay, but fear not!  There may still be a questionable yet viable male metro in your future who is making you shine every day of the week.

Monday Night:  He's not making you pasta with sauce from a can.  He's found a recipe in the Life section of the newspaper for Tandoori-style chicken that he's been dying to try out.   He's not cutting huge chunks of red onions for the salad you're making; he's slicing it nice and thin because that's the right amount of heat for your greens.  Say goodbye to meat and potatoes and say hello to good taste in wine, food, and dining destinations.  Since he's a slim guy, he'll also totally honor or join in on cutting down on certain foods, living clean, and exercising.

Tuesday: He's up on the mic at karaoke, singing something that will totally make you laugh.  While the other guys are playing it safe in their seats, he's comfortable enough with himself to get on stage.

Wednesday:  It's hump night, but before you hit the sheets, you're both down for some quality time with the tube.  He's hashtagging about the new Bachelor, commenting on the flooring of the homes of Love It Or List It, and griping about the cray-cray on America's Next Top Model.  If you're sipping martinis while this is all going down...OMG.  How is this not your best girlfriend with a dick?  Watching reality TV with my friend's now-husband is one of the reasons that I loved him!

Thursday:  You all know the situation where a girl is being bitchy but guys have no idea because it's veiled in sweetness, false praise, etc.  When you leave happy hour, he can't wait to rag on the bitch who's been attempting to cut you down and compliment you on being so cool about it.  Either that, or he's encouraging you to stand up for yourself more.  Her boyfriend?   Clueless.

Friday:  You're all ready to go out for the night, but something isn't quite right.  All you need is to weigh in with your date, who can totally tell if you're over-accessorized, not dressed appropriately for the occasion, or aren't showing off your best assets.  He's not your gay bestie; he's going to make you feel great without hurting your feelings or making you feel fat.  WINNING!

Saturday:  You're out at a bar and every girl there is...totally ignoring him.  Why?  Because they think he's gay.  He's also totally cool, conducting intelligent conversation with women without leading them on or being rude.  Then you can go back to his place (which is totally spotless) and listen to Lady Gaga while you fuck the night away.   Not because he's sucking up, but because he LIKES he Gaga.  He's also applying his attention to detail and conscientiousness to making sure that you're always pleased...and pleased...and pleased.

Sunday:   Hey, it's 20 years down the road, and guess what?  He's still making plans for delicious meals, wearing flattering garb, looking fabulous and paying attention to your needs.  He loves great food, he's got an interest in his appearance, and he's hard-wired to listen to you.  Oh, and you're not the only one that cleans the bathroom.

I am so gay for the guy who seems gay.  I don't feel the hot, desperate breath of the girl in line to date him behind me and he's so thoughtful about his praise, interest and occasional criticism.  See you at the 15 year reunion when your meatstick boyfriend is draining the life from you; or maybe you already know the story.  I wouldn't share my secrets if I didn't feel obliged to share the wealth.  Share yours with comments on other great attributes of the would-be gay guy!

Monday, 28 January 2013

Play Ball


I'm all for equality between the sexes, but when it comes to dating in the straight world, gender roles often come into play.  I've played it equal, I've played the dominant role, and I've even embraced the traditional female role.  For many women, however, it's hard to reconcile their hard won autonomy and respect with having a man "take them out on a date" rather than simply "going out on a date." 

Having been on a number of internet dates, the "equal" date is the one I've been on the most often. In that case, someplace rather neutral is suggested by either party, at a time that works for both, to meet without committing to more than a beverage.  Anyone who's committed to an entire night, or even a meal, with someone they met online has probably regretted it.  This date is ideal for the ability to slam down a ten and hit the road or stay and get tipsy .


 Well, this is clearly a Moxie's or something, but you get the point.  Never go to a chain restaurant on a date.

Another top reason to practice the equal date is that you have disparate incomes or you're both poor.  Some ladies may also prefer this option because they don't want to feel like they owe their date anything.  Obviously, this isn't a real issue, because no amount of money spent on you buys you or your body.  That said, it's common knowledge that any overnight trip that a man is paying for comes with an unspoken agreement that you will share a bed.  If you don't want to hook up but want to enjoy a getaway together, make it clear in advance to avoid any miscommunications.  If you want to accept his invitation to do something together but can't afford it, just say so; he'll relish the chance to play the hero but can still easily say "another time, then."


 Yeah, avoid this moment. 

I prefer the dominant date to the equal date because I can orchestrate a date that's entirely geared towards getting in bed with someone I'm really connecting with.  Ideally, whatever I plan will show off what I'm good at and increase my confidence.  By the time we hit the sheets, I know that the dude I'm with is totally into being with a strong, independent woman.  Getting the home advantage can be problematic, though, when a man isn't confident outside his home territory.  I had one date say he was uncomfortable at the Standard because it was "fancy"; clearly he couldn't cut it for a minute with me anyways.  I took my friend's little sister's friend to the Ottawa Food & Wine Show one year, but despite the initial attraction, the event made him uncomfortable.  He kept tugging at his collar in jest, but bottom line is that this cougar would've been better served stalking her prey somewhere that he felt comfortable.  I thought that inviting him to wear a t-shirt and jeans and seeking out sweeter whites that he would like would be enough to show him that I was totally cool with who he was, but no second date was forthcoming.  When well executed, the female-dominated date is a great way to show off and get what you want.

I do believe that there is such thing as the faux-equal date, and I'm pretty sure it's symptomatic of living downtown and having more expensive tastes.  Although the first couple of dates involve paying for your respective beers, covers, or meals, you might quickly find that things change the moment a guy is in your apartment.  Before you know it, you're the one scrambling to clean your apartment so that you can share a bottle of wine before a show, watch a movie, or simply hook up.  If he doesn't live downtown or has roommates when you don't, it becomes so easy for him to pop in and you might find yourself so grateful when he brings over a six pack.  Sure, you could save some bucks on a cheap bottle of wine and skip making appetizers, but then you would be hungry and drinking swill!  This definitely doesn't work in a scenario of "serious" dating, but I'm pretty sure that any girl who's dated a guy in a band has had some of the same experiences (I've certainly seen this played out at many a lovely lady's well kept pad).  It's also seriously verging on doormat behaviour, but as long as you're getting exactly what you want in exchange, you have my permission to proceed with caution.  Your friends will let you know if you're getting pathetic.


 Tried to find a pic of KFed with no luck.

Finally, we have the traditional date.  He announces the time he'll pick you up, tells you where you're going, and makes any necessary reservations.  Even if it's a casual thing that's free, like skating or hiking, whoever is driving is in charge.  If no one's driving and he doesn't pick you up at your place, it's equal.  As an empowered woman who's used to calling the shots or working things out together, you will probably find that the traditional date is the most difficult and stressful date to prepare for.  If you're unfamiliar with the venue, you'll need to find an outfit that you're comfortable wearing in a pinch, and possibly prepare to deal with an unofficial review board of industry friends like best friend bartenders, sister servers, or cousin cooks. 

What rocks about the traditional date is that although the courtship process is rooted in wooing a woman in order to marry her and receive her dowry, it doesn't leave any ambiguity about your desirability.  Offering to squire you about town shows that a man wants to impress you and show you off.  Ideally, he's doing so in order to get your attention and learn more about you rather than to cater to his own ego, but you'll only find out by accepting the date.   Try and relax because, in a rare modern moment, you're being pursued by a gentleman caller.  Game on.

MENSA member Davis


Not a member of the Rockford Peaches, but a strong female role model nonetheless; Peaches.



Friday, 12 October 2012

The Condom


"Come on baby, don't you love me?" was the scoffingly puerile example I was given in Phys Ed of what guys would say to get me to have sex with them or let him go bareback.  Being somewhat of a late bloomer, I thought, who would fall for a lame line like that?  I know better than to get pressured into doing something that I know could have great repercussions.


Fast forward to my more experienced twenties, when I had firsthand experience of how hormones, alcohol, and blindness due to extreme hotness could cause huge errors in judgment.  I now totally understand what it is to be naked and ready to go and have to aver a firm "no" when my body is screaming "yes!"  

A friend who is new to the dating scene recently asked if I'd had a guy offer to leave the condom on the nightstand before, to which I said, "of course!"  Although chances are good that he's kind of a skeeze, I've also found some other possible explanations for why a man thinks that it's okay to ask.  If he's recently out of a long, long-term relationship, he may have forgotten that it's not safe to just go for it.  This same man may also just be so desperate for some action after years with the same woman, or could be inexperienced having only been with one person or a couple of serious partners.  I've met one exceptional man who truly could not perform with one on.  I did the smart thing and kept trying with a condom for a few weeks, and since he was still coming around in a few weeks, I finally gave in and accepted his promise of being recently tested.  There's also a slim chance that he's a virgin or someone else who never, ever has one night stands or sleeps with someone on the first date.

As I mentioned in my 3 Quick Questions post, a handful of drinks and some heavy flirting are a dismal replacement for actually knowing someone.  If none of the above reasons are causal, you may find it insulting that a guy would dare to ask you, a classy lady, to ditch the latex.  It's not personal; your huge insult could be his...Friday.  If he wants to do it without a condom, he's done it before with another woman who consented to not use a condom because, hey, it was probably Friday for her, too.  If you're willing to accept that he gets around, then we can move onto how to make it happen safely. 

Usually, the "no glove no love" stance results in condoms mysteriously appearing where before there were none.  Show me a single guy who doesn't carry a condom out to the bar and I'll show you my new perm.  I've also seldom encountered (perhaps never) a guy who wasn't willing to run to the store. 

Unfortunately, even when a prophylactic is finally proffered, a guy can easily waste the first condom due to performance anxiety or whiskey dick.  My advice is that if you want to avoid the total, utter, devastation and disappointment of falling asleep totally unsatisfied next to a guy you're never going to see again (or even after a fight with your boyfriend), you should do one or all of the following:

  • Stock condoms in multiple sizes; I've had to turn a guy down because his dick was too big for the condom.  You can't imagine how tragic.
  • Carry your own condoms...two!
  • Ask about condoms before you head back to someone's apartment...seems obvious, but now that I've said it, you won't forget.  If you're worried about showing your poker hand, the gig is already up if you're "having nightcap at his place, listening to vinyl at his place, smoking a joint at his place," etc.

If you say no to intercourse without a condom and he takes the fact that you continue to fool around as a sign that you've changed your mind, you're welcome to give him a good slap.  "Slipping it in there" after you say no is perhaps even date rape, so feel free to humiliate him (or your preferred mode of revenge) as you see fit.

Go out and play, duckies!  I want you safe, happy and healthy, and I want to hear all about it :)

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Your Fairyfucking Godmother Presents 3 Quick Questions

When I was a teenager, my mother gave me some great advice.  Following an intense make-out session with an attractive male athlete on our front porch, she grabbed me and took me inside, justifiably horrified by my uncouth youthful indiscretions.  "August," she said after a thoughtful silence, "You're very special...I just don't want you being special with everyone."  That's right, mom, I shouldn't be special with just anyone, but I sure do like to jump into bed with people pretty quickly.  Here are three quick things I'd like to know about someone before I give them my Monica Geller Special Flower.

You've heard it before and I wish we'd all be so responsible in the heat of passion; when was the last time you were tested?  Condoms can't protect you against zombification!  I mean crabs...or whatever else is out there.


Here's my first bomb; Pro Life or Pro Choice?  If you don't respect my right to choose what I do with my body, then you don't respect me.  Nowhere is this more important than with someone that may be involved in a future decision, and despite the enlightenment of your social peers, not everyone subscribes to the same values. 

Please reference one dalliance I regretted after the fact that was totally avoidable by simply asking up front.  A young man I'd been out with a few times was fun, seemingly transparent, and pretty accomplished.  Although I should have been warned by his pasted-down hair and cheesy overall style (I try to keep an open mind, and hey, I was lonely), we made dispassionate, quiet love for about 3 minutes and then lay there.  During post-coital small talk (does it count if I didn't enjoy it?), I discovered that he was Catholic.  "But you're pro-choice, right?," I asked, assured by previous Catholic lovers that they were respected a woman's right to choose that he would agree.  When he answered to the negative, I felt dirtier than the New Kids On The Block's tour bus.  His answer was so detached and unfettered by guilt that I realised hey, I'd just let some two-dimensional, self-important wannabe cool douche get up in my quality business.  The Pro Life and Pro Choice question reveals a lot more than you might think; the way someone answers that question can tell you about both their value structure and their respect for you.

Over cocktails in the Sky Loft lounge in the MGM Las Vegas, a Silver Fox told me the story of how he finally convinced the object of his affections to marry him.  Fancy dinners, amazing shoulder rubs, sincere listening, and flattery will take you a long way, but most of your conquests have a couple of tests lined up to measure your character.  Hers was introducing him to her gay friends and seeing how well he got along with them.  Upon his charming all of them and expressing his happiness for an upcoming union, she finally acquiesced and took him on for good (in case you care, they are still in love and have three beautiful children 20 years later). 

At first, I thought it was pretty obvious that all of my friends are supportive of the right to love whom you choose and be who you are, but upon further reflection, my sample group probably doesn't accurately represent general opinion.  My last question is about same-sex loving.  Asking about same-sex marriage is a more complicated thing, but it's certainly telltale.  To avoid the intricacies of that debate, I'd stick to asking how someone feels about homosexual couplings.  My feeling on this one is that if you can't respect other people's right to be with one another in the way that feels right for them, I sure as fuck am not going to help you feel as good as I would have (and yes, it would have been good).

Defining these boundaries would have saved me some awkwardness and embarrassment in the past, so I highly recommend deciding upon yours in advance of "being special" with someone else, regardless of how categorically unspecial your hookup may be.  I'd like to add that it feels simply awful to find out that someone you've shared some "special" time with is intolerant, bigoted, inexperienced, unenlightened, narrow minded, and other adjectives that are light versions of the worst care scenarios.

To quote and totally misappropriate Shakespeare's Nurse in Romeo & Juliet:

"So shall you share all that he doth possess
By having him, making yourself no less."

Don't make yourself less by being with someone who is.  Get the deets on diagnoses Down There, bring uteral politics into the bedroom, and ascertain that the person you want to freak on supports the Siegfrieds & Roys, Ellens & Portias, and Bowies & Imans of the world to do the same.  There are no guarantees that you're not sleeping with crazy, but based on my experiences, asking these top three questions can save you at least $100 on post-craycray martinis.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Van Halen Knows...But How Do You?

Our brains can be so pesky when it comes to making decisions that are really matters of the heart.  Not only am I trying to divide between what I feel and what I think I should feel, but I'm also attempting to treat things with a bit of logic.  For example, when you're dating someone new, it's never divorced from recent experiences.  If you have a habit of dating hard-drinking, philandering musicians and are totally stoked on a new guy who earns a regular income and is gloriously free of tattoos and groupies, you could be stepping into the trap of denial or you could really be breaking free of your pattern.  Herewith, some bumbling tips on how to get some perspective and find out what (and who) you really want by sifting out the noise and listening to your gut.

As we dive into our thirties, there's an increasing pressure to pair off for relaxed movie nights, couples dinners, and regular sex.  Even in my twenties, deciding to leave my boyfriend was a terrifying prospect; the night before I broke the news, I went to a keg party and observed my future dating pool of overgrown boys with frosted tips, no depth, and disproportionate egos.  I drank way too much as I admitted that this crew of supposed young men weren't the bottom of the barrel, but that girls were lining up to date them.  Resigned to my fate despite my very real misgivings, I told my boyfriend that I just wasn't there with him anymore.  This was an easy call, as I see myself as someone would rather go it alone than be with someone they weren't crazy about.  My mother's advice on this was that you should never put yourself on a dating pedestal; if you really care about someone, you know that they deserve to be with someone who feels as strongly about them as they do about you.  This brings me to my first tip: Listen to your mother, father, older coworker, or anyone wise and experienced.  Do not listen to people who say bonehead things about "just finding someone who will be a good [father]" or "passion is fleeting and it's commitment that's important."  Aspire to being truly happy because chances are that if you're reading this, you're not the kind of boring, frigid, unimaginative person that settles.  Move at your own pace and if your goals and timing are different than the majority, so be it.

My second points seems obvious to me, so please bear with me as I possibly insult your emotional intelligence.   Keep your friends close.  If you're in a relationship, stay connected with your single friends and engage in social activities separate from your partner.  It's much easier to make time for one-on-one bonding, wild nights out, and uncoupled weekend adventures when you're single.  As a single person, try not to get too reliant on one friend that you do almost everything with.  This person is your platonic life partner and if they couple up, you could end up giving their mate's friend mediocre head just because it seems like the thing to do.  

There are lots of things that I don't say out loud to anyone, or even write down.  These thoughts are often disgustingly superficial or just weird, like not wanting to date someone who doesn't have a degree or wondering if the guy I'm seeing is just my male counterpart and I'm really just masturbating.  Okay, I've said similar things out loud, but my friends are often very understanding as I'm probably just putting into words their own strange hangups and worries.  Anyways, my point is that you need to be as honest with yourself as possible if you're going to see clearly.  If this means writing down a list of pros and cons that includes embarrassing items like "has a cottage, "amazing tits," or "good in bed but not mind blowing," get 'er done.  Then burn it, goddamit, because you're a judgmental, shallow prick.

The last element of recognizing the "background" for  your feelings is to compare this relationship to previous ones.  I find that reflecting on past events is useful in terms of recognizing the things that you are potentially projecting onto your current situation.  This is especially useful if you have the tendency to seek out drama, pursue partners who are unattainable, or close yourself off emotionally to avoid getting hurt.  You'd think that my attraction to charismatic drug dealers with Attention Deficit Disorder would have been apparent before a trip out west that was somewhat of an "August R., This is Your Sex Life!" opened my eyes, but that's what it took.  Despite being stimulating, inspired individuals, I could finally see that I'd never be as important to them as I discovered that I wanted to be, and that I'd probably been choosing them just for that reason.

My next suggestion is fun and a little scary.  Introduced to me by a friend who visits a holistic healer, it's called muscle testing and may or may not be as accurate as a Magic 8 Ball.  Here's the basic idea from an article I found:

Kineseology: The Tool for Testing  

The easy way to try this is to get a friend to help you out.  Raise your dominant arm to a 90 degree angle at your side and have your friend ask you a couple of yes or no questions that they already know the answer to.  Questions you answer truthfully should result in your arm staying rigid; focus on keeping your arm rigid.  Try answering a question with a dishonest answer and your arm strength should falter.  I've found this uncannily accurate, but in the worst case scenario, it acts like a coin toss.  You know when you flip a coin to make a decision, then end up just doing what you wanted to do all along?  I bet you eanie-meanie-miney-do!

So, if you're not sure about how you feel, listen to that upward lilt in your voice when your friends ask you if you're super into your most recent GOM; chances are good that an uprise in pitch means that you're lying.  Listen to your wise, hopefully experienced elders and don't "should" yourself into thinking you need to partner off.  Have a network of friends who make your life awesome with or without a partner.  Get honest with yourself about outside influences so that you can figure out what your instincts are telling you.  Listen to "When It's Love" by Van Halen, followed by a great deal of Fiona Apple.



These are just guidelines in case you need to decide between two lovers, your GOM is antsy for a verdict on your future, or you wonder if you need to break from your current partner.  With any luck, you have all the time in the world.